After Dinner Entertainment
After you and Braden had left to go back to the condo, the immediate family went out to a five-star restaurant for a quiet and intimate dinner while discussing future family plans. It was very serious and taxing. Two hours of intense discussions and occasional arguments while trying to enjoy our five-course meal had finally passed, and dessert was being passed around and shared by the whole group. We took our doggie bags, and we drove to mom and dad’s house in order to relax and hang out in front of the television set.
As we reached the driveway of mom and dad’s house, we noticed a caravan of parked cars—an assortment of aged and weather-beaten Nova, Chrysler, pickup truck, camper and Ford—camped out in the driveway. We all shouted, “OH SHIT,” in unison as we saw the lowlife relatives anxiously and eagerly waiting to go inside the house for their Easter dinner. We got out, from our cars, greeted them with fake smiles, opened the front door, let the herd in, and reheated the doggie bag leftovers, as well as whatever we could find in the refrigerator and cupboard. Mom and dad were out of beverages, and no one wanted to go out and buy some more. As you might have guessed, there was a lot of alcohol consumption. However, the kids were given ice tea, ice coffee or water, even though I noticed some of them were gulping down alcoholic drinks from their parents’ glasses and beer cans.
Anyway, as the relatives dozed off on our leftover dinner and over-consumption of alcohol, Maloney, Pharris and I, due to boredom, decided to give various relatives code names that only the immediate family members will know about.
Where shall I begin? Do you remember our cousin Rodney Lee? This forty-year-old white trash man, with Asian features, has a love for karate, a strong love for himself, and a hatred for the Asian race because of his embarrassment that he resembles the people that he despises. Well, his code name is Kung Fu Lee Teriyaki because we couldn’t decide which Asian race he resembles more, Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, or Japanese. There is short and stocky Mike Lee, whose code name is The Hobbit, even though he resembles a troll or Gollum. And rumors are going around that Mike Lee is getting a divorce because his Aryan German wife, Jan, wants to marry her psychiatrist. She told him that the only reason why she married him was for his “Lee” last name. He is using drugs, hanging out at the local liquor store, and being constantly mistaken for a drunken hobo because of his hideous appearance. Due to loneliness, Rodney and Mike traveled to Africa in order to search for wives. They returned with two child brides that are half their age and married them in Las Vegas by an Elvis Presley impersonator. Since Mike’s son, Dan Lee, looks exactly like his father, Dan’s code name is Frodo.
The code name for cousins Nancy Smith-Taylor, Laurie Lee and Betty Johnson-Tyler is the Lelou Belle Trio because of their obsession with the Supermodel Lelou Belle. They endure extreme measures to try to resemble Lelou’s look by getting the exact same hairstyle, over-bleaching their hair to the same shade of platinum blonde color, wearing heavy makeup and bronzing powder to cover up their haggard faces, and constantly posing in front of the mirror in order to try to achieve that Lelou Belle look with their grotesque facial features. Laurie has actually bought green contact lens to complete her Lelou Belle semblance. Betty has become a Botox addict, swearing that this drug has given her a youthful and better complexion. Nancy copies Lelou’s personality and mannerisms, as well as constantly kissing herself in the mirror, and telling herself how beautiful and perfect she looks. All three of them periodically get a Brazilian Wax Treatment in order to clean up their hairy primate appearance. In reality, they resemble hookers on drugs. If we want to talk about them individually, we will refer to them as Lelou1, Lelou2 and Lelou3, respectively. Nancy Smith, a reformed prostitute, found religion and married an older man, whom she met in church, named Salem Taylor. She is now pregnant with their second child, Lelou Belle Taylor. They already have a little boy named Glenn Taylor. Her younger sister, Nicole Smith, The Starving Artist, is trying to clean up her life while working as a cocktail waitress at a nightclub. She has three tattoos, at least ten pierced body parts, and wild and neon-colored spiked hair. I noticed strange markings, located on the insides of her arms, from either needle marks or skin mutilation. Scary! Their mother, Mary Smith, whose code name is The Bag Lady because of her scavenger ways, incoherent speech, and gypsy-like attire, is a retired babysitter. Their father, Alan Smith, whose code name is The Bible Man because of his strict following of the Bible, is a retired janitor and a former porn star. In his twenties, he backpacked throughout Europe and worked odd jobs in order to pay for his Bachelors and Masters degrees in art history and drama at two European universities. He eventually came to America to become a film star. He didn’t have any connections, and American colleges refused to hire him as a Drama or Art Professor because his degrees were from foreign universities. After his first job as a porn actor, as well as doing some low budget acting jobs, he suffered with alcoholism and depression because he was told that he doesn’t have what it takes to make it as a professional actor. When he hit his lowest point in his depression and alcoholism, occasionally physically and mentally abusing his family, he decided to get help. He found religion, became a born-again Christian, and vowed to lead a clean, sober and strict life, following every word of the Bible and working an ordinary job as a janitor.
Cousin Susan Lee-Robinson is Wacko Psycho because of her mental illness as well as her alcohol and drug addiction that she inherited from her Aryan German mother, Maggie Lee, The Albino Whale. Homely, abused and a reject of society, Maggie has always wanted to be a model. She holds an eternal grudge on society because of her unfulfilled dream. She has been working two, and sometimes three, blue collared jobs since she was in high school in order to achieve the luxurious model’s lifestyle that she has always dreamt of, and always bragging to other people about her false achievements so as to make herself appear better than she actually does. All three of her homely daughters have inherited this passion for supermodels because Maggie constantly tells them that modeling is the ultimate career and there isn’t any other substitute career or lifestyle. I noticed that Susan’s daughter, little Jackie, is abnormally small for her age, compared to the body types of her big boned, fat-assed and tall mother, aunts and grandmothers. Susan’s son, Pete-Rose Robinson, wants to be a professional baseball player like his father, even though he dislikes baseball. Susan’s Swedish/Norwegian husband, Jack, has wandering eyes, sometimes for Susan’s younger sister, Cindy. Cousin Cindy’s code name is Witch Bitch because of her spinster-like facial features and her arrogant personality, even though she is a prostitute. Cindy recently breaks up with her long-term lover, quits her manager job in a retail department store, and she is now a part-time stripper and full-time escort. Tim and Maggie Lee, the proud parents of Susan, Laurie and Cindy, are happily married, even though they live a hard life, struggling to pay their bills, as well as having bad credit problems as they strive to achieve celebrity status, or, at least, attempt to resemble a celebrity. Tim’s code name is The Porky Ham because of his obsession with performing, whether as a bongo drummer, porn actor, street comedian, cross-dresser, or making appearances on reality shows and reality talk shows. Laurie, the recovering anorexic, and one of the Lelou Belle Trio, regularly consults her psychic for guidance, claiming that her psychic is her god. She is the middle daughter of Tim and Maggie, and the only one of their three mentally ill daughters who passionately continues to pursue her mother’s dream of being a supermodel. Even though she job-hops, she is currently a Delivery Driver and a part-time Call Girl, as she is still waiting to be discovered. Laurie has been performing in pageants since she was three years old in the hopes of being discovered by a model agent. She recently has stopped performing in pageants but, instead, she has started auditioning for reality shows.
Cousin Shawn Lee’s code name is The Preacher because he has become overly religious, claiming that everyone is going to Hell except for him and his family. He is the older brother of Rodney Lee and just as pathetic. He inherited his demented views from his father, but he is carrying it too far. His wife, Barbara, and their kids, Joey and Mary Sue, look like they came from Amish country, covering themselves, from head to toe, in plain-looking and loose clothing, in order to clean and purify themselves from evil, in which Shawn and Barbara claim that this evil comes from that damned Fiona. Furthermore, Barbara’s code name is The American Gothic Wife, and their kids’ code name is The Prisoners of War. These lowlife relatives sure have their issues! Maloney, Pharris and I joke about them burning a cross in Tina’s driveway in order to harass you and drive you crazy.
Cousin Brian Johnson’s code name is The White Boy because of his obsession with the white race, his strong affiliation with the KKK, and his love for himself. Rumors are going around that he is mentally ill because he was rejected from modeling agencies after wasting $3000 of his money on his modeling portfolio. Brian claims that his rejection from modeling agencies is due to his short stature, but we know otherwise. His older brother, Steve “Daddy-O” Johnson, has issues about putting his life on hold and dropping out of high school in order to support the family with two or three jobs because their womanizing father left the family for a bleached-blonde bimbo. Such parental abandonment may have caused the three siblings’ homosexual tendencies. Steve now has his own business, and he continues to support his neurotic mother, Anne Johnson, as well as his psychotic twin brother and sister, Brian and Betty. Steve’s wife, Debby, a German Jew, works with him as his business partner. They have two sons, Jeremiah and Ezra, who plan to work in the family business. All three of the Johnson siblings claim to be bisexual, even though they chose to marry the opposite sex in order to conform to society’s norms.
I hope that you enjoyed my newsletter of the latest family reunion news. We missed you at the dinner and the craziness afterwards. Keep in touch! Love you, always!
Posted on Tuesday 20 of February, 2007, 01:58:15